HOLIDAY EATING TIPS
- Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on
a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if
you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're
serving rum balls.
- Drink as much eggnog as you can. And
quickly. It's rare. You cannot find it any other time of year
but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every
sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or
something. It's a treat. Enjoy
it. Have one for me.
Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
- If something comes with gravy, use it That's the whole point of
gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of
your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano.
Repeat.
- As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with
skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a
sports car with an automatic transmission.
- Do not have a snack
before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of
going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of
it. Hello?
- Under no circumstances should you exercise between
now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else
to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling
the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
- If you come across something really good at a buffet
table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position
yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before
becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
- Same
for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you
don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have
three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
- Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded
with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have
some standards.
- One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when
you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying
attention. Re-read
tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around
the corner.
- Find Funny People to hang out with, they
will help you laugh your back side off, no need for exercise.
Remember
this motto to live by:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with
the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well
preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand,
body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a
ride!".